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  1. Eddie Vedder’s singing to me on the radio, sun’s shining on my toes, beer’s dripping on the patio table beside me, and a slight breeze barely reminds me that it’s the end of July.

    This time of year typically has me withdrawn & quiet, refusing to leave a dark house, and muddling through the same old show at work. It comes and goes, sure as the sun—with me struggling to return to the person that I am the rest of the year. It’s slow, but I get there again. This year, I found myself at work on SDOTY (abnormal because I’ve found it easier to not be around people on that day). I suppose that my customer service skills weren’t the most prime, and my poor coworkers tolerated my sharper-than-usual-replies.  The day came and went, with me trapped half in the present and half in the past. It’s always harder though when the weather reminds you of the past as well. Mom pointed out that the flashbacks aren’t so bad when you don’t open the front door to walk out into an oven that steals your breath. 
     
    Every year around this time, I wonder why it hurts so bad and why I can’t seem to let go. My counselor (yes, I’ve begun to see one.. I decided it was time.  Whatev.) recommended a theory: the reason that we grieve so hard is that we loved so hard. I suppose that fits. I mean, Jeff was my hero & a constant in my life. He helped shape my sense of humor and my intelligence. We spent 16 years together, influencing each other’s thoughts and character. I loved so hard… so I grieve so hard. I suppose that I always may. 
     
    So I’m back on the path towards accepting the beauty in life again. This week has been dark, but I’ll get back up there again. It’s a struggle though, not to withdraw completely. Of all the movies that I’ve watched, the one that is both a trigger and a reassurance (STAY) gives me this quote to hold on to as I trudge back from the dark: “…there’s too much beauty to quit. there’s too much goddamn beauty.”
     
    Jeff would also be a little pissed at me too, I feel, if I were to give up. “Don’t be a pussy.” He would tell me… ever so eloquent. I love my brother. 

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  2. trayday:

     

    OMG. best. @thatdanwilliams would like it too.

  3. I decided a few weeks ago that I’m going to come back to this tumblr thing. I’ve been electronically quiet for a while, but I’ll ease back in. Therapy = writing.

  4. basically.

  5. So… This just showed up in the mail. No letter. Just a few 8x10’s… I couldn’t contain my laughter.. #family #goodpeople #throwback #howoldisthispic #likewhoa @ne_erdowells @lmo27 (at Where the Heart is…)

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  6. he’s trying to convince me of something I’ve already realized. aw presh. why am I so late to the #twinpeaks game? #theowlsarenotwhattheyseem #onearmedman #whokilledlaurapalmer (at Where the Heart is…)

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  7. Fun from the weekend.. First Apple Maps fail. I don’t look as it as a fail as much as it was projecting where I SHOULD have been going instead..

  8. Challenge accepted @bpease85.. Your lunch is not better than mine.. #whosnext
    #damnfinecupofcoffee #itsanR #lunchbreak (at the fruitstand)

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  9. obviously I don’t open enough wine bottles… #needpractice #uncorked #sothisisthenewyear (at Where the Heart is…)

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  10. second to last night of the year. #movienightwithpops #bangarang #sogood (at Where the Heart is…)

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